This is certainly difficult. I still cant bring myself to hate her, because I understand how her having this problem is probably not her own doing but that of her parent/s.. He makes real good money but tells me he works his ass off for me because I quit my job and hurt us. If you are still living with him you are going to need to be very strategic in figuring out how you can 100% limit the abuse. Just a quick note to let you know that reading your material (every bit of it) and then putting it into practice has changed my marriage. I did go to counseling but he wouldnt go, after cancer treatment, diagnosis, physical abuse,life of pornography and affairs. I told him if he didnt want to make a decision then I would have to make one on my own and told him that I felt it is best to seperate our finances completely and that in order to do so he would have to get his own place to live once he comes back home. (first disbelief, then unreal grief, then disbelief, grief, etc etc) Rather stuck in a cycle of griefIt doesnt seem like anyone could fake love as good as thatand yet, it isnt the kind of love one would want or expect from a husband, or at least he is unwilling (unable) to do that now! Thanks for All you do & continue to do for all of us that struggle with this challenge. It was days later that I discovered the truth after he got drunk and sent me my pics in a textsbut he of course had no idea how he got my pics??!!! If you want to hold a narcissist accountable, you need to challenge the deception. I constantly remind myself of this. I think its sad actually what Im doing and yet, since I once had so much joy in relating to him and he was so much fun in the first five years, a long honeymoon period, that at night I miss our talks since he and I used to talk almost every night. The child's feelings and reality will not be acknowledged. He actually even said,or yelled, the whole world is wrong there is nothing wrong with me. He has made threats to kill his biological daughter and her family. When I was looking for it and asked you, you said you didnt see it. Kevin, the reason people can go on with their lives hurting others is because most people let them. The key element here is that I always know when he has started to break that trust, because out of the blue with no reason at all, my NPD starts treating me very poorly, acts evasive etc. Thank you again for your courageous letter. I use to think it was all me, if only I would change, and of course he helped by saying I was right. By taking control over your own life back, you are able to create fear and doubt in a Narcissist. But I just feel like Im still the one doing all the work. Will he ever understand what he did was wrong? We have to stop becoming fuel for these types of people. I cant continue this with the emotional scares he is dragging my daughter through as he plays daddy for the last four years then suddenly heads for the hills to go MIA without an explanation. He did not get arrested, but he did get stopped and sent home. I have to ask them what he says to them to unskrew the lies and manipulation put on them. I have experienced all of the above, married to a Narcissist with appears Sociopathic & bipolar tendencies as well. Sure, I back-slid some, but mostly I made forward progress. I have a severe physical disability and cannot take on parenting an adult it is too draining, Tanya we could be talking about the same man here, amazing. Medical people are not asking me ..are you under some kind of stress? I didnt say a word. He was very serious about making the change. That will take some time, but our relationship has improved dramatically since I discovered Through The Looking Glass. I also did not raise my voice when I spoke. I understand why women with children with the narcissist stay with the NPD because of the children hoping things will change and get better, they have committed to marraige and family. If he really had to earn my trust like youd expect a person would have to before youd have sex with them, that would take a really long time. I wish you all peace and kindness in your lives. As Kym and others have said living with someone with NPD is at best very difficult and at worst totally impossible. You need to say that he will need to pay the excess or you will be forced to contact his work (parents) about the claim requesting that the excess be paid out of his pay. He always states he should have been a lawyer because he knows how to argue/defendHe says this even in re to issues at work, he uses that statement whenever hes feeling like things arent going his way. Word salads and nonsensical conversations . I find myself resenting his behaviors and yet I am tying to keep my mouth shut. Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. He was smart knew the language to make him look sincere.and maybe a piece of him wanted to be. Clever eh. Do a "deep search" instead. Doing so, it began to dawn on me why my husband is who he is. )0: he is travelling so often, it is always possible to lead me on! I hear it in him. His are exhibited in binge drinking, he states this is to maintain his happiness; he frequently waits for the next weekend to live it up. There is absolutely no redeeming qualities about a person who has a blaming spirit and thinks that everyone else is the problem. I need to do that. He would have some way of getting them to do what he wanted and leading them to believe that they were his all time best friend. He would feel bad for actions, shameful even and would replace, apologize or do what he could to help resolve the issue for me that hurt me. 17 up above, Deborah said she likes to think of the narcissists brain as a mass of short circuited wires that just dont connect. I read that narcissists may have faulty brain circuitry left brain/right brain functions dont work properly, making it difficult for them to process information much like people with dyslexia see the alphabet backwards or skewed somehow. My husband appears to have pretty strong values, actually, around sexual behavior ie I dont expect that hed easily cheat. He hates most people. I find this interesting in that I now realize that I was married to 2 narcissistic men. I told him what I did and said it was better that way, that way we can avoid him being the middle man since I do all the banking anyways and it wouldnt cause a problem for him or us in the future with an argument over the ph cause of a misunderstanding and he got soooo mad telling me again how I dont know how hard some of his days are blah blah and thats when I said, I am NOT your punching bagyou wanna rag on someonerag on the person who first called you at a bad time NOT me. I immediately confronted that thought. He puts on quite a show at times. Hi Harrison and welcome I understand your feelings and hear that you are hurting. I believe he is verbally and emotionally abusive. I agree that at some point when theres no change, you cannot continue. There is something in all of the above in my husband.Actually lots! I would not let him believe he could get away with it with me. One day, I will be thinking or doing something other than engaging in the endless hours of preoccupation about another tumultuous display of rage and blame, when he comes to me and finally saysI now understand. 3. I finally questioned it. Is there anything I can do at this point to help the situation? He also said we dont have kids, theres no reason to stay together. Its very interesting to hear the different experiences people have had. Just dont make your kids suffer cause you love him and dont want to be alone!! But please be careful and have a look at the last chapter of Back From the Looking Glass before you do. I also bought the codependency book. I do believe he misses meand he loves me as much as he is able to love, but this disability is cyclicand I am much too aware of his cycles. Any suggestion would be great If they owe you money, hire a debt collector (if you need to) and step away from the adversarial role and let someone else do the dirty work. I look at it like a job now. That is a hard task I know and only really happened with Steve once basically he was cornered. And unfortunately, the source has no idea why it loses statusand thats why it hurts so damned much. She is ignoring any opinions I have on any subject and basically shut me out of her life again. Rejection. because I cant change him BUT I can learn to love myself and stop depending on him to make me feel secure, loved and happy. Or, maybe its just that this network isnt designed for the marriage that has already fallen apart? It seems that people like this can move on so easily without a second thought about you or the pain, anguish, and despair they cause to those they leave in their wake.. When anything goes wrong i cant even imply it was his fault. and after everything they do we still crying for them?- there must be some personality traits that mirror ours. He also tries to provoke me often telling me with a smile his best moments of the day were when he had been with one of his favorite female colleagues. I am Liberal thinking person and positive too until I get around her and her negativity!She is constantly pointing out my shortcoming while I reserve my feelings about her shortcomings.. its as if she is talking me out of our relationship! He is about to deploy and so we do need to discuss and make decisions on how we are going to handle things while he is gone but he wont make a decision and wants to fight instead so he can avoid the subject everytime. He has used me for money and to bail him out of problems continuesly and it took me a long time to realize it. Here are some "habits" people have after growing up with a narcissistic parent: 1. Ive had to allow my spouse to suffer the consequences of his behavior many many times and he continues to make the same ones over and over again. I totally adored him and over time his constant jibes, judgement, derogatory comments, nicknames, mocking and humiliation took its toll on my confidence. He became the most loving partner in life and we got married. I loved him so much and I am still involved with him to an extent as we share property and pets. He may not be a gambler but your situation is similar. When a narcissist with a fragile self-esteem is held accountable he breaks into a narcissistic rage. Do Narcissists Like To Be Held Accountable? Everything that goes wrong is always someone elses fault and no matter how logical you are, they will continue to twist and turn their way out of the argument, even if they have to swear the sky is green. As you have seen it turns into a trial and everyone gets their defences up. At the end of these emotionally exhausting talks, I end up talking to him as if he was 7 years old. (3) my own personal property with in my home: doors repeatedly ripped from hinges, furniture thrown, broken, smashed my guitar in to pieces, throwing cups of coffee on walls, twice he has smashed & broken walls (but he claims he barely touched those walls, he didnt hit itI was there I saw him angry and punch the walls. Thoughts anyone? The link is as follows: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=167. I understand the accountable methods u suggested, done it that way in spme situations. I have the same questions as TANYA and also wonder where to start, do i say I love you and forgive you and just start? They say they are sensitive, but the behavoir is undermining and abusive and can rip a person to pieces, even if they keep their cool, underneath that one can see that they are seething, but they will never admitt it. 6 Cut off all contact with them if you can. 12 Amber Lives in Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK Author has 78 answers and 30.8K answer views 2 y Related There is good in him. I feel I am saving my life. Im tired of it and have told him that this isnt working for mehes too irritated and frustrated with me so much of the time, and Im burnt out on the tension and the fighting. I dont know how to sort out our finances and I cant see where our money is going and so I have opened a separate bank account and hired an accountant to come in and see if they can sort out the mess., I am worried about you, but I dont know how to help you (with your porn addiction) and I am scared that it is hurting our sex life and putting our marriage at risk. Everyone needs different ideas and I thank you for adding yours to the discussion. Im trying to find a way to heal mentally but he doesnt give me a single chance. I hope someone might read this and be more careful about their childrens safety and will not go through the agony I have. I felt the need to give it to him as part of the seperation process for me. For years I was unwilling for those kind of things to happen, he was accountable he did not do the blaming thing. You need to write a clear account of his behaviour that is concerning you from the perspective of him as a patient. I do know he does not have credit cards because he just filed bankruptcy. Ultimately thats whats important if the percentages are ok, My wife been back&4th for all our marriage. He got tunnel vision obsessed with job the aderall had him on the go, then yo projects in house( over 3 years and not one of the many projects to house completed) I was mainly emotional, feeling ignored by him. He was right. I wanted to share that last fall, I called the police to report that my husband was drinking and driving. The last time I tried, he beat me so badly that I almost lost my life. I really think that Kim & Steves ebooks Back From The Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbooks would benefit you, even with the separation. He turned that into I am insecure. I need to know how to respond or do I respond? I didnt realize how much the years of her abuse and alcoholism has impacted my ability to be successful in my work and just being a healthy person. After twenty-eight years of this, I feel used up and find it difficult to persevere. Furthermore, none of the three quotes you suggested would actually /work/. Hi Butterfly and welcome! You also need to let him know that if he damages anything of yours again you will go straight to the police. How can I ever trust that this isnt the beginning of another end? That doesnt mean you need to give in to their bad behaviour; instead of trying to hold them accountable (which wont work anyway), consider making them face the consequences of their mistakes. Its not fair to her. Not sure if hes a narcissist but one thing I do know is he is super nice to everyone else unless they piss him off or what he perceives to be an attack on him from someone usually family/me and he lets strangers/co-workers walk all over him. I have had yet another bereavement recently (my mother) i have had 3 in just under 3 years and have found it very difficult to flatline ie show no emotion ever in his precense. It will serve as a reminder that you too are in control of things. I am not the one that started up with a girl friend and LEFT their wife. He said he hates himself and directs that hate to me, but that it is his own selfhate. She is also a functioning alcoholic and has had an affair. Thank you for giving me the hope that you do give Kim it is so refreshing!!! My partner became ENRAGED that he had consequences. I so tried to help and get help for this man as I have empathy for him because I know he is very unhappy also, but I can do no more for him. (6) he steals my personal data and every photo I have ever had off of my cell phones I have never given him permission. I just need to decide. Please dont ever stop! I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. He said he is done trying? So why not work on this relationship now that I can him for what he really is, instead of waiting another 4 years to find out I am just now seeing the same traits in someone new? I dont think the answer to the question of rape is simple. This search engine reveals so much more. The reason i fall for these men? Whatever you do you need to make sure you are safe. Just the paranoia, the aggressions, the damage to your property, his alcohol abuse and him breaking in to your bedroom at night and making stories about other people that are not true. Hi Ann, This is why it is so important to not leave yourself in the position of being the judge. This is the story of my life and almost always my experience when we are on any sort of vacation. I try not to belittle. It went from serious concern about his behaviors to the police belittling my call for help (we are not here to solve your relationship problems) and the mental health services deciding Im disturbed and needed to be put in hospital against my will to give me a break from my husband. Being stern long term will probably only result in you damaging your attachment. Everything that came out of his mouth was horrible. I thank you Kim for all of your words and information. So unless youve got some ideas I dont know what to do except to talk to our doctor and see if they have any ideas that might help., I cant be late for work again and so I am sorry I cant drop you off today., I dont know how to handle you when you get so angry at me, and so from now on I am going to need to get someone who knows know how to handle angry people (the police?) Hey Kim! But now, we are looking at the possibility of him losing his business and losing out home. Only through Gods grace can I continually forgive him over and over. Finally I knew I couldnt live like that and I had to leave. I immediately hated who I was becoming, he was trying to get me from being a mum to being dependent again (this was good!) In my heart I know its not over, but things are far from good! Problem is, long story short, he cannot apologise for any of the above and keeps pulling out old lines when I ask for support.along the lines of you wanted to have a baby, you deal with it. Never be afraid of the consequences they (Nar) will have to suffer for their own faulty decisions, it will only help them. Do you think thats possible? The fact that Im still doing the same thing with someone who isnt at all interested shows me that even if I met someone new, I dont know if I can try your suggestions. I said you dont have to pretend or lie anymore to anyone because I will speak for you and I will give you a chance to get the rest you need. Understanding who I am will get me through the day . Thanks Kim I understand you dont have alot of info to work with. He doesnt want to decide because then he has to be accountable I know that much. I texted him saying I wanted to thank him for the wonderful time I had but being rushed out of the house was not acceptable. And yet she believes there is nothing wrong with her and still blames me for causing her behaviour. The majority of them do not change. Also ask the CPS for assistance and any numbers can give you. The self-doubt and anguish and stress it caused me resulted in adrenal fatigue and stress-burnout and a sense of despair so far-reaching that it affected me every day of my life, because I could not comprehend how a person could be so mean and vindictive to someone they say they love so much.. She told me I was her best friend. I do not need permission to talk to another adult about concerns that I have that affect my families well being. Hi Marie and welcome (-: I hope that understanding will help bring you to a place where you can begin to heal the hurt and move on. One of the most effective ways to induce a reverse discard is by using what is known . After lots of advice I have had to step back and watch as my boys grow and mature (2.5yrs so far). They have forgiven you time and time again. Do you have availability to a womens shelter or crisis hot line? I will continue to work with the information provided by Kim and Steve in hopes that I might heal and not attract another person with NPD in the future. I went to the attorney with you. Good work Mary! The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they'll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive. I have just stood by and finally let it all happen to him. I do love this man. Mine treated me like a queen for 6 months. You do what you want and let others deal w it. It is so difficult not to become bitter. The Effects a Narcissistic Parent Parent Can Have on a Child. During one of these times, she may lose her life. They devalue you and criticize everything you do. My quandry now is the see saw that I am on with him, believe it or not he actually has admitted to me that he knows hes difficult to live with but then he goes back to being Dr. Jekyl this is causing such an absolute drainage on me sometimes I truly want to give-up. If you respect yourself enough to stand up for your own interests this will earn others respect too. I am hesistant as his actions around the birth of our boy showed him to be absent and immature with a failure to own his own behaviour.
Wrecked Pontiac G8 Gt For Sale, Illinois Commerce Commission Towing, La Crosse County Arrests, Articles H